Xeniteia

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Maaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

I need a good clean religious boy.

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X.

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Juicy "I" ego post

Tonight I went to see Reign Over Me.  Despite the slow start, it was a must see story.  It was about post-traumatic stress disorder after 9-11.  It hit me pretty hard.  I realised that I too have possible symptoms of 9-11 PTSD. When I heard, I was terrified A. would have to go.  But not just that - it was like I couldn't face or deal with the seriousness of the situation.  Like I wasn't capable; like the dream I was living in just didn't match the reality of terrorism, but I was still so immersed in the illusion/mistake; it hadn't dawned on me yet how utterly out of it I was. His father also passed away right at that time. And I was ... doing something I now see I should not have.  I was in Europe.  I was beginning to develop the terror and anger.  What happened during that time to ME, inside me was traumatic.  I had to go to psychotherapy and see a psychiatrist, and then another therapist just to be able to walk out the front door or pick up the phone to call anyone.  If you haven't had an anxiety attack, you won't know how bad it is.  Everything caves in and all you can do is do whatever you can to block out what you don't want to think about; and it IS blocked out.  All that trauma within a few weeks; it really destroyed me.
So, my point tonight is that I believe I may have had and still have to some extent, post traumatic stress disorder related to 9-11.  And maybe if I treat that, my D. will also be healed.

I have a broken heart.  But it doesn't hurt so much anymore.

The last observation I have for myself tonight is that: what does it mean that Adam Sandler looks a bit like A, and in the streets of my soul, I still see his face in strangers...at least once a week?  Is that something to get over, or does it really mean I truly utterly completely love and/or once loved him?  And is that a useful thought?  Not really!  What's good is that you do good.  Ung.  Amen.

Love,
X.

Know Thyself Through Friends

Just realised that to know yourself better, just have a look at the characteristics of your friends.  You fall in the same category.

ie. 

Boys:
MC.  Semi scientific mystical deep-thinking yet still squarely in the machine. Medium to good looking. Friendly over sensual, but still sulphury.
KG.  Same thing.
SU. Same.
PD. Same, though minus the mystical.
Brother. Same.

Girls:
More variety here actually!

anyway, back to work

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Musings of a procrastinator

It's evening and I have a huge amount of work due tomorrow.  I'm happy to be sitting here at home, though my back aches and I'm thirsty and hungry and my chair isn't comfy and I have carpal tunnel feelings. I feel lonely, frustrated, stressed.  Wasting time.  Getting it out here.  I know I will start, do well, finish at 2, and be tired but fine tomorrow.  Then it will be over.  Woohoo!  A behavior pattern I've been working with since I was a teenager.  Why do I do it, I don't know. The benefit is .... relaxation.  Or control.  Or something.  Maybe rebelling against all this concrete. 

Love,
X.

Future?

Back from Seattle.  Now it's December.  Well, tomorrow anyway.   Christmas will be good, and then it's January.  And then February.  Then March, making it one year (not that anyone is keeping track).  I am researching major purchases.  An iMac.  A car.  An apartment downtown.

But what do I really want?  What are my new goals?

Some candidates:

Study, practice - teach
Move back to Vancouver
Find a happy partner for life
Find home; settle down
Stay in Toronto, but Travel a lot, esp to Van.
Build T, move T however best I can
Support pilgrimages
Zurich in February
Dad - Bike - Training - Trip - July / Aug
Cali - June
Birthday - April
Dream: lots of mountains, sea and nature - illuminable light

Time Item

Time
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Would be a great name:

Timeitem

Itemtime

Movies of the last while

Nacho Libre

Man of the Year

The Devil Wears Prada

Aeon Flux

V for Vendetta

Entire 1st and 2nd season of Lost

Pirates of the Caribbean II

Little Miss Sunshine

The Brother's Grimm

Corpse Bride

Pride & Prejudice

Can you say this?

I slipped on a banana peel today.

People laughed their heads off.

Once the pain wore off, so did I.

Joke Illusion

In today's world I am not sure if the illusion is the joke or the reality

(As typed to me by Lea, 15 Aug 2006)

I Banish Thee, oh Problem

A problem only exists to the extent we recall it to mind

(As typed to me by Lea, 15 Aug 2006)